Marriage – The Christian Blog

To my Husband on our Fifth Wedding Anniversary

Dear Hubby,

On Saturday, we celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary and for once, since we got married, I felt the years have flown by quite quickly. Five years on and I see nothing but the goodness of the Lord all around us. Nothing has changed about how I feel about you. I still love you the same way I did five years ago when we stood at the altar to say our vows, if not more.

On this particular anniversary, I choose to celebrate the five year-friendship we shared before the wedding ceremony and how that has played an important role in our marriage. We are still comfortable in each other’s presence, we appreciate and are very much concerned about each other and also laugh and tease each other and are not afraid of the consequences. Indeed, the counselors do not lie when they say you should marry your friend.

Five years on, I see growth (not just in our sizes) but in how we relate with each other. I am glad we do not restrict ourselves but allow each other to explore in whichever field God places on our hearts. I know we are better versions of ourselves, thanks to this union.

Over time, I have come to understand how to relate with you so not to cause unnecessary arguments. This strategy, I call, ‘the watch and pray method’ which involves watching you closely, stating my opinion about the issue and when I know it is likely to generate an argument, I leave it there. I then commit the rest to God and watch you and mostly, these situations that I draw your attention to, end up changing with time and when they do change, I do not see them as a win for me but evidence that God listens to our prayers. What do they say about women having a sixth sense?

The past year, especially, has had its fair share of challenges but I am still excited about our future. I know God hasn’t even started with us. Five years on and I can’t think of anyone to call when there is any form of emergency (in my definition). This includes calling you to find out if the car can carry me to next fuel station when the fuel gauge of the car indicates ’empty.’

I am glad you insisted I was the one when we first met and persisted when you proposed to me. This is to celebrate more years of staying in love and this marriage and to fighting and winning loads of battles as a family.

Love,

Letters: To Advise or Not to Advise (III)

Dear Ama,

We have received your letter and I was given the responsibility of providing you with the appropriate response.

After reading through your reply, the girls and I have decided to offer you a grace period and whether we accept you into our circle, will depend on the answers you provide.

You raised a few issues which boggled our minds, especially, with regards to the pieces of advice provided to you and Yaw during your marriage counselling sessions.

Did your counsellors really say you should cut off your friends and all external parties? All because you’re married? Are you really happy to do that? Will you follow through with this advice? You really scared us when you said you (the woman) will be blamed if something goes wrong in this union. 🤦🏾‍♀️

You also mentioned Yaw did not have a lot of friends. During the wedding, he did not strike us as an individual who kept to himself, looking at the number of groomsmen who followed him and his dance moves during the wedding. We all had the impression he was outgoing. Or is he currently following the advice of your marriage counsellors? 🤷🏿‍♀️

Your response to this letter is very crucial. It’ll inform the girls and I on our next step of action. We look forward to hearing from you.

The leader of the pack,

Joy

Letters: To Advise or Not to Advise (I)

Dear Ama,

Ever since you walked down the aisle some 15 months ago, I have noticed some changes in your attitude. Particularly, the manner in which you relate with us (your single/unmarried friends). Interestingly, I am not the only one who has seen these changes. Every girl in the group agrees with my observation including quiet Aba.

You are no longer as fun to be with. Every joke we crack in your presence is met by a piece of advice from you. Seriously, most of us do not enjoy your friendship anymore and the way you turn down our requests is becoming so annoying.

“Let’s go and dance,”

“I must go and prepare dinner,” you respond.

“Can we hang out at the movies,”

“I need to go pick hubby’s clothes from the laundry,” you reply.

“Do you want to attend her wedding,”

“This weekend is tight. The kids need to be picked up from their grandparents. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you,”

Excuses. Excuses. You now see the reason most of us keep our distance?

Yes, I know I’m single and I have single people’s problems. My priorities may be my career, my hair and clothes and oh, having as much fun as possible before I ‘settle down.’ Thank you for reminding me of that every time.

We don’t need you as an advisor (I’m speaking on behalf of the other girls) just because you have said some vows at the altar.

Hahaha.

Your attitude these days make me laugh. I laugh at you, at us and what our friendship has become. The sham we’ve been calling a friendship. I’m not bitter. No. But I’ve advised myself and I’m calling it quits. You can break the news to your family or keep it to yourself.

Let me leave you so you go take care of your matrimonial home since, we, the single ones do not have much to do. 😒

Your once-best-friend,

Joy

Help! My Resolution to Get Married Never Materialises – Worried Lady

Hello CBG¹,

I am 34 years old, gainfully employed but tired of making new resolutions particularly in the area of settling down. In previous years, I made every conscious effort to get married. I have even written down what I would like to see in my dream man. I go through that list every day and I pray for him, but, it’s been six long unsuccessful years of searching for that ‘dream man.’ I am really tired and have decided not to make any resolutions regarding that subject this year. Since you’ve been preaching about planning and making resolutions, what do you advise I do? Should I still make resolutions and get disappointed or simply relax and see what God will do?
– A very worried lady

CBG’s Response

Hello Miss,

Marriage, as an institution, was created by God and His idea for the majority of people. Not everyone will get married, though, but as long as it is in your heart to be married then it is part of what grace has made available to you. The provisions that are given under grace does not work in isolation but work in tandem with faith. Faith is what causes you to receive the things that grace has already made available. Thus, if you say you made a resolution the previous year to be married and it didn’t materialise so you wouldn’t be deliberate about that subject anymore then I’m afraid you are never going to get married. What you need to do is to keep praying and remain visible to the circle of men in your various levels of socialization. Package yourself nicely while keeping the vision and desire alive. Once the vision and desire exist and as long as it is a provision under grace, then it means it is within your reach and you need to lay hold of it by faith. Faith is dead if it is not accomplished with works. The Bible says that if the clouds are full of rain, they empty themselves (Ecclesiastes 11:3). Keep doing what you are doing, remain visible, continue praying and eventually, you’ll find somebody.

Note: In case you were not deliberate about this subject previously, plan to be more visible this year. If your location does not necessarily get you exposed to meeting a man, then you need to go to places where you’ll meet them. Getting to those places will be influenced by your values and the idea of a man who’d like to get married to. It’s good to know you have a perception of who your dream man is but if you find yourself in the wrong places, you’d definitely meet the wrong people. Ensure you go to the right places and are in the right environment so you meet the person you want to be married to. Ruth was deliberate and she met Boaz (Ruth 2).

All the best and remember to invite us to your wedding. ☺️

Do you have any piece of advice to share with this lady? Post it in the comment box.

CBG¹: Christian Blog Ghana

Feature Image Source: Pixabay

Our 3rd Wedding Anniversary and the 3 Lessons We’ve Learnt

19th December marked our wedding anniversary. Last year, I wrote a letter to my husband to mark our second anniversary but this year, we (my husband and I) would like to share three lessons we have discovered in the three years of being married. Please find my (Delali’s) lessons first: ☟

Lesson 1: Different Prayer Dynamics Needed for Marriage’s Success

I have never underestimated the importance of prayer to the success of every marriage but I discovered sometime last year that I had relegated personal prayer time to the background and was depending solely on my husband’s and family’s prayer times. This can happen to any family, particularly, if the head of the household is a strong Christian and you have regular family praying times. It, however, occurred to me that I needed to pray in order to become a better wife, a better mum and I needed to pray to commit my own ambitions into God’s hands. Yes, it is very important to pray as a family unit but it is also necessary to have your own prayer and quiet times. God may have words for you as you go on your knees to pray for you and your family.

Secondly, I knew where I wanted to be for instance, in my career, before I met my husband. He also had his own ambitions and dreams and marriage became that intercession for both of us. Even though we work hard to accommodate each other’s goals, sometimes it becomes challenging. In such instances, instead of praying selfish prayers of binding and losing when it is time to make sacrifices or accept my husband’s dreams (the very difficult ones) I rather pray for the ability to accept those changes and for God’s will to be done for the family.

Lesson 2: It is Possible to Do Everything and be Successful at it as a Mother and a Wife

Uh-huh! It is very much possible to achieve everything. 😊 Let me use me as an example, I am a mother of a two-year-old without any help, I do an 8 am – 4 pm and before that I went back to school (while pregnant). I manage the Social Media platforms for my church and currently leading a team to gather content for its magazine which will come out next year. I have this blog and its social media platforms to manage which I feed with original content and I am a WIFE😊. How do I combine these? I sacrifice a lot of sleep and I have a supportive husband. I also plan ahead of time and sleep a lot when I realise my body needs it. Do I get overwhelmed at times? Yes, I do and when that happens, I turn off my data and throw my phone away. I am strongly convicted that the world doesn’t wait for anyone because they are a wife or a mother. It is even tougher for us but no one should make excuses. We can be successful in every area of our lives. All things are possible – Matthew 19:26

Lesson 3: Sex in Movies are a Scam

Raise your hands if you believed having sex could as spontaneous and effortless as how we saw in movies or read from books while growing up. Don’t be deceived. Sex in marriage and, particularly, if you have a toddler involves a lot of strategies and tactics (blog post for another day). And if you have to combine that with the various roles you need to play, then it becomes very challenging and requires more effort than what is seen in movies.

Those are the three lessons I (Delali) have picked up so far. Below is my husband's (Emmanuel) perspective on the three years of our marriage:

Our 3rd wedding anniversary: What I have learnt so far – Emmanuel

To have success in marriage, for me, has always been about following the principles outlined in the Bible. I’d often impress on her (Delali) that our wedding vows meant so much to me than her because the day it loses its value, she also loses value (take a second look at your wedding vow). The years spent together have been awesome during which I have mostly been occupied with giving my life for her because I love her (Don’t get it twisted; read Ephesians 5:25). Nothing short of seeing her smile and beam with joy. I gave, I am giving and would give. If you don’t give as a husband, “Wetin you gain”. Cheers to many more years of giving. (Editor’s Remarks: I can attest. Indeed, this man is a giver🤣).
Delali epitomizes submission. (Editor’s Remarks:😑) For a woman like her, I would move heaven to make her happy ( I think I’m doing well so far). She never calls me ‘me wura’ (My Lord) but makes me feel like one. No man would exchange this for anything in this world (at least I won’t). I remember saying jokingly (after watching a Nigerian movie) that I won’t eat stale food in my house. ‘Like joke like joke’ (let me sound like a Ghanaian small) she cooks fresh food every day. Hardly do we eat stored food. How she does it I don’t know.
Then we welcomed Lady Charis. The adorable young lady who turned two recently. Her introduction was met with mixed emotions (at least for me). Routines changed, sleep patterns were altered amongst others. Man know thyself, as intimated by the Bible (Psalm 31:7) just hit me (a story for another day). Our lives changed, however, we have been able to manage it well, steering our affairs in the right direction and maintaining the original purpose of marriage.

So there you have it. Here are some lessons we have learned in our three years of marriage. Are you married? What are some of the lessons you have picked up? Do you intend to get married soon? What are your expectations? Share with us in the comment box.

Book Review: Your Guide to Marriage

John Boakye’s Your Guide to Marriage is an encyclopedia for anyone desiring to be in a relationship that will ultimately lead to marriage and for married couples desiring to have a better relationship also, this is the reference book you need to have in your library.

The 329-page book covers the whole concept of marriage in the biblical context, how to prepare for it, the different roles of the husband and wife, communication and conflict management in marriage, dealing with in-laws, friends and work in marriage, money and sex matters, family planning, parenting, self-care, spirituality and legal matters.

The author does not mince words in spelling out what the Bible says about marriage and how to have a good one. This is probably the book we need in this era where statistics indicate that over 50 percent of Christian marriages end in divorce.

Several factors account for the high rate of divorce in Christian marriages and one of them is the question of who plays what role in the marriage institution. In John Boakye’s book, he clearly states the role of the man and the woman in marriage with the bible being his reference point. He reiterates the important point of making God and the Bible your focal point in marriage since He (God) is the author/initiator of it. The reader can thus, allude that marriage without the God-factor will definitely lead to confusion and subsequently to a divorce.

Marriage is a divine institution. It is of God and by God. He does not hand it over to you to do what pleases you with it, but He merely calls you into it to serve Him – John Boakye

While the man is the head who oversees all matters in the home, irrespective of his talent, age, wealth or education, the woman, on the hand, has the role of accepting the leadership of her husband and submitting to him as a believer of Christ. This should, however, inform the woman of who she chooses as her head.

The issue of submitting to the man in marriage is one which has raised concerns in some feminists circles in recent times. They see the concept of submission by the woman in the marriage as ‘prescriptive’ and making the woman subservient to the man. This has led to these feminist rejecting the submission concept outright but Reverend Andy Yawson in one of his sermons had this piece of advice for people, who in the name of empowerment, are not willing to adapt:

The book provides all the answers for individuals who did not go through the regular pre-marital counselling organised by the church or those who did not take it as seriously as they should have or those who simply want to refresh the memory on what they already know.

Your Guide to Marriage is written in simple language and in instances where the author needs to go technical, he does that and sometimes provides illustrations which help the reader understand the topic better. The examples provided are relatable and to the Ghanaian context.

John Boakye’s Catholic background reflects heavily on his references but that notwithstanding, Your Guide to Marriage is a must-read for any individual who desires to have a good marriage.

The Hard Truth about Marriage

“Marriage is an encounter. How many couples would agree with me?” Pastor Fiifi Otabi Wilson of ICGC Faith Temple asked in his sermon on Sunday, May 28, 2017.

The cheers from the married couples in the auditorium were enough to confirm that marriage is more than a bed of roses but a real ‘encounter.’ Some of us are not too old in this encounter (just a little over a year and a half) but we can attest to the fact that marriage is a lot more than what meets the eye.

Most married couples, when given the opportunity, would definitely not settle for the people they are living with. If there was a petition which allowed them about a year’s orientation of marriage before they finally make the decision, there would be a lot of signatures and I’m sure some people would not even get married after the first year.🤣

Marriage is indeed a classroom on its own. It is a course by itself but a lot of married couples love to show the beautiful aspect of it, especially on social media (that’s fine). Just like every media form, we are selective about how our marriages should be perceived. Nobody would let you see the challenging aspect of marriage but when I am approached by my friends and asked the famous question, “Oh, so how is married life?” I tell you the truth, unlike most Christians who would only smile and say, “Oh, it’s wonderful.”

In my opinion, young people who are yet to sign these agreements deserve some exposition on marriage. When this question is posed to me, I like to be as real as possible. I don’t pretend. I clear my throat and say, “my friend, it isn’t a joke. If you know you love to be by yourself, in love with your sleep and love your simple lifestyle, then marriage is not your thing,” I say to them.

“You better stay in your parents’ house or rent your apartment and be by yourself oo. Do not worry yourself or someone’s child by getting married to them because this institution is hard work,” I add.

Marriage is a period in life where the couples are stretched on all sides – your patience, hard work, Godliness and every aspect is tested. No wonder, the congregation agreed with Pastor Wilson that marriage is an encounter. The institution has its own requirements which include being a manager of resources – money, time, people (yes, your in-laws are waiting for you particularly if you are Ghanaian). This would go a long way in defining how the union turns out.

Seek Godly counsel. It’s very important. Do not write off some counselors because they do not speak your kind of language. Listen to them all and select what is useful before you settle with a partner because, for us Christians, divorce is mostly not an option. It is after you marry, that is when you realize the importance of the premarital counselling (even though during that period, our main concern was the wedding ceremony 😞 ).

All is not gloomy if both of you share the same faith because God is always available to provide us with the help that we need, for He is our shepherd. This is when you begin to understand the importance of marrying someone who is a friend.

Before you go to the altar to say your vows, remember to invest a lot of prayers in the decision you have made for the journey is indeed a long one. And as my mother keeps saying, there is no vacation in marriage 🙂

This post was put together by Delali Sogah.

5 Actions that Kill Relationships

For the past couple of weeks, we have been describing various ways of building relationships. While we build them up, it is important to keep in mind that there are certain actions that can also kill these relationships. Below are five such killers:

1. Introducing your partner to everyone in the early stages: In their excitement, a number of couples announce their relationships too quickly to the world which isn’t a bad idea but the best thing to do is to build the foundations properly before introducing yourselves to friends, family, work colleagues, etc. The more you introduce third parties, the more you open the relationship to varied opinions which may be contrary to what you saw in each other. You may second guess and that could be disastrous for your relationship.

2. Announcing on social media: One of the deadliest actions which kills relationships is this. We know we must have faith as Christians but changing your relationship status or the display or profile photos to your partner’s does nothing but attract attention to you and your partner. What if you announce on social media and the relationship does not go as planned? As much as possible, let us keep our relationships to ourselves. They are private and not meant for the world.

3. Avoiding early warnings: Most of the time when we fall in love, our brains go on vacation 🙂 We avoid all the signs and allow our hearts to lead us. This guy is not generous; everything he acquires is for him. The lady spends all the money she acquires on clothes and make-up. You know you would have preferred the opposite but you are allowing your heart to lead you. These signs develop to something different and they kill relationships.

4. Not investing in the relationship: Building a relationship requires time, money and creativity. If you know you do not want to invest in any of these then don’t start one. You need to spend time with each other and on each other. The Bible mentions that in Proverbs 21:26 – the righteous gives and does not hold back.

5. Fornication: Most young people quickly give in to sex in the relationship. Guilt from the encounter normally kills what has been developed earlier. Having sex also takes away the innocence of the couple. Sex is addictive; it has the power to take away a lot of things from the relationship including the time that the couple spend discussing and planning for the future. In 1 Corinthians 6:18, the Bible warns, Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.

What to Consider Before Accepting a Proposal

In the previous post, we discussed the various factors that contributed to making a Christian relationship work. Apart from praying, keeping a checklist and developing the friendship, there are other factors that come into play for a relationship to progress and they will be considered in this post.

Friendship development in the early stages of the relationship cannot be understated. Ensure you are friends and to test if you are ready to move the relationship from one stage to the other, ask yourself the following questions:

Will I be able to have all kinds of conversations with him?
Can I really call him/her a friend?
Do I care so much to help him out when he is in need?
Will I be able to introduce him to my family and friends?

In accepting the proposal, you have to bear in mind that you will not go back on your words. Deuteronomy 23:23 says, “You shall be careful to do what has passed your lips, for you have voluntarily vowed to the Lord your God what you have promised with your mouth.” Keep the promise.

Nobody is perfect. Even the most handsome, richest Christians may have an issue or two. Make up your mind that you are going to help him/her solve their problems and you will not run away 🙂

If you know you look for the nearest exit immediately a problem rears its head then don’t accept the proposal. Do not test the waters, as some ladies end up doing. Be certain, before you take any step. Yes, counselors advise it is better to break up a relationship than marriage but don’t also lead a person on if you aren’t certain about them. When the guy proposes to you, tell them you are thinking and praying about it. Commit it to pray. Get convicted. It can take days and even months or years. If the person is the one you are meant to be with, they will wait for you and the relationship will surely work out. The Bible even testifies to in Romans 8:28 that “All things work together for good for they that love Him.”

It is important to seek the face of God especially regarding issues such as who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. As a lady, don’t be moved by the looks of the guy or his money or the fact that you are growing older and that person could be your only choice. Ask God, get convicted before accepting that proposal.

Marriage Series: Making that Christian Relationship Work

Achieving anything good in this life requires effort and dreams can only come true if you make deliberate effort to achieve them. The same theory goes for relationships. In order to build a long lasting relationship with the opposite sex which can lead to marriage, one needs to work hard at it. Every good relationship requires some amount of effort. If you do not have the time, don’t even start a relationship 🙂

How do you begin a relationship with the opposite sex? One which can lead to a relationship? I once had a conversation with a friend at Senior High School where she admonished me to start praying for my future partner. My reaction was, ” ah! how do I pray for someone I do not even know ?” Of course, at that point in my life, all I cared about was passing my exam and making it to college but my friend gave me a different perspective. I think I prayed for my “future” partner a couple of times. Looking back, I guess that was one of the best advice anyone could give to a friend. If you have not met that partner yet, why don’t you start praying for him or her? It is never too early to do that and the Bible says we should pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

Apart from praying for that one, it is important to list the qualities that you wish to see in him/her. Do you not make a list of items you wish to purchase before you go to the market? List all the qualities- physical characteristics, interests, hobbies. Do not forget about the fact that as a Christian you need to select another who shares in your faith. The other factors are only secondary but are equally important. It will prevent you from looking around at other people when you enter into the relationship.

One foundation that is helpful for every relationship is friendship. Friendship is the most crucial factor that can help your relationship progress from one stage to the other. Have regular conversations. Feel free to share your thoughts with each other. Talk about the regular things. When you build up the friendship, you will begin to enjoy each other’s company. You will miss the other person when they are not around. When you are friends, you hardly run out of conversations and the relationship does not get boring. Even when you decide to be quiet around each other, the silence is not uncomfortable. The Bible testifies to that, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29 (ESV).

There are other tips that make a Christian relationship work. Tell us what you wish to see on the list…